I have 999 plays on soundcloud, I will exceed 1000 plays very soon. This is a moment worth merriment and rejoicing.

For those who lack self confidence:

Van Halen: JUMP!

Paul Stanley (Kiss): Live to Win

Say Anything: Admit It!!

Brand New: Seventy Times Seven

For those who are crying:

Say Anything: Woe

Dads: Sh*t Twins

Switchfoot: Dare you to move

Augustana: Boston

Lighthouse: Everything

For those who are tired of everything:

Say Anything- The Futile, or Have At Thee! or… other

Brand New- Jesus Christ

Relient K: Breakdown

Weezer: Pink Triangle (haha)

For lonely hearts:

Say Anything: About Falling

Library Voices: Love in the Age of Absurdity

Gorillaz: El Mañana / Last Living Souls

Deas Vail: This Place is Painted Red

For those who hit the roads:

Brand New- I will play my game beneath the spin light

Say Anything- I will never write a song about being on the road and missing someone

Saves the Day- The Vast Spoils of America

Saves the Day- Third Engine

For happyness: (instead of the everything song)

Library Voices: Denim on Denim

Marianas Trench: Decided to Break it

So I probably listen to Deja Entendu and Is A Real Boy… for pretty much any occasion but here is a modern take on an oft reblogged image.

Everyone knows the claim that Axe Body Spray “gets you up to 70% more action” or “makes you ‘irresistible to women.’” Well. How would one design an experiment to back up or refute the claim?

Hypothesis: The choice of Axe has no statistically significant effect relative to, say… old spice, but maybe improves your odds slightly over having no scented product.

Step one

Attain 20 or more single college age males, it does not matter what they look like or how competent they are socially. They are to be arranged into 3 randomized categories of as equal size as possible: A, B, or C.

Step two

Initially get them to go to various local clubs individually, for every one of the 3 weekend nights for 7 weeks, wearing unscented deodorant and use unscented soaps. Their goal is to get as many girl’s phone numbers as possible. Or some other female related goal, use your imagination. Maybe sharing testimonies over coffee. They are to record any results in a fairly detailed account over this 7 week period, and the time it took to attain such phone number or other result.

Obviously, some of them would improve at picking up chicks over time, but that is irrelevant. All data would be put into 20 different 21 point graphs. It also doesn’t really matter which women they chose to approach, because the kind of woman they approach would probably either be consistent or change as time passes (which would cause a trend in the graph). You could get a feel for their general performance and any trends from that data. It doesn’t matter if guy #7 always gets numbers and guy #4 strikes out every time. What does matter is that a trend appears for each individual, and to see how it changes when Axe is added to the mix.

Step 3

Compile the data, track individual and group trends. Each participant would have several graphs compiled for their data. I would put the day on the X and any result, quantified into some sort of point system, be it time or quantity of phone numbers, on the Y axis. Perhaps the Y would be “likelyhood of woman not vomiting on approach”  Perhaps the trends would be any of the following:

-The average dude gets phone numbers an average of 1 minute earlier every week, and gets 1% more phone numbers each week!

-participant 2 had 17% chance of vomiting as a reaction to their approach every day of the week for the entire period, attained no numbers. (if the likelyhood of vomit for participant 2 changes due to axe, we have a conclusion!)

-Fridays see 10% better chances of getting a number for any male

-January seems to be the worst month for phone numbers

or

-Perhaps their rate of success would decline over time due to the participants getting a negative reputation.

Step four:

The second phase would be to give group A axe body spray, B is to use old spice and C would continue using no scents. The new graphs could be formed over the next 7 week period. It doesn’t matter TOO much if they know what group they are in, because a psychological change translating to different results is a result as well. As before, the data would be tracked for each individual participant and also compiled to form averages for each group. Recall; results would be categorized based on sheer volume of success, time taken, or whatever other parameter.

Finally, analyze the final results.

-If rate of success for group A either continues to slowly increase at the same rate as before, or plateaus, that is a negative result. Unless no other group increases, Axe has no effect on the ability to pick up chicks.

-The only way to get a positive result that the claim that Axe makes you more attractive is if there is a spike in group A at the start of the period and the results continue to be improved relative to the other groups for the rest of the testing time.

-If the rate of success in group A is the same or worse than group B, that is a negative result. 

-If the rate of success rates in group A and B are consistent with each other but significantly different from C, then it says nothing about Axe but rather body spray/scents in general.

There would be a high volume of data, but the more data the merrier. As long as this data was compared in a sensible way, not something like “Phase of the moon (x) vs amount of sugar cubes in morning coffee(y),” then a conclusion could be drawn. Perhaps people who use axe are 5% more likely to get a goodnight kiss, or 7% more likely to get a second date.

Is this a sexist experiment? Well, I don’t see how it could be arranged to not be. But it’s for science! Messing with people’s lives has been part of social science for years. The same experiment could be done with reversed genders but another parameter, I don’t know, Taylor Swift perfume. It doesn’t matter. The claim that is to be refuted at this time is that of Axe and it’s product line.