"There’s a sign on the PA turnpike that says your sin will find you out. That’s fine, it’s about damn time."
-Could be Better Forever- Snowing
This is just a clusterfuck of thoughts I have right now. I’m not sure how to rationalize what the FUCK I’m feeling so I have to write it down to see.
Every time I say “you” I am moreso talking to people with similar thought processes to the ones I mention or to myself. So it’s not you, it’s me. I don’t mean to step on any toes here. Better yet, stop reading now because this is really long.
So essentially I was reading Scott Pilgrim book 5 and 6 this morning after being wrought with sadness for the the past 18 hours and I came to some conclusions. I really resonate with this Scott Pilgrim fellow but not for the cool reasons. I am not really a good fighter, I am not playing bass in a band and I don’t have a magic pixie girlfriend and the ability to travel subspace. However, I DON’T have a job, feel like a bum and waste a lot of time moping around (see book 6)
In my dream when I was running away from unseen giant ants through a cathedral type thing, I attained lucidity somehow and tried to conjure different things unsuccessfully. If I’m being honest I tried to conjure the time I was at the Christmas banquet with ol’… what’s her toes. I became semi-awake and lost sight of the dream, started remembering the past, things like Christmas banquet, falling outs and dropping out of people’s lives. The time I left my highschool friends for YWAM, and how after YWAM I didn’t see or talk to half of my so called best friends forever. And how Melanie dropped out of school and said she was seeing someone else. All that shit. I realized when Juan left that I don’t have a best male friend anymore, or a best friend at all. I thought to myself once “when I get married, I think I’ll pick Juan as best man.” Who will be my best man now?
Friends, don’t take it personally when I say I don’t really have a best friend. If someone asked, would you say I am your best friend? No? Then carry on.
I complain to people sometimes but sometimes I don’t know how to get the words out. Sometimes I don’t even know what it is that I am thinking, so how can I say it? I don’t consistently hang out with any one person anymore. Who can I depend on to always be there? No one.I have a lot of friends but no one that I hang out with every day or even every week.
It’s like that story so far song. I’ve got nothing in common with anyone anymore. I don’t even know my brother that well anymore, honestly. We have nothing to talk about, he talks about video games and hopelessness and I talk about music and imply my own narcissism. I talk about how humanity as a whole are pretty decent and he says the world has gone to hell. Why wouldn’t I pick him as my best man? Well there’s the fact that I haven’t talked to him since the 6th and that he’s a major bummer sometimes. I feel bad though, because he probably has depression and my dad doesn’t think depression is a real thing and complains about how he mopes around.
I mope around, but just hide it, I suppose. Every time I go for a nature walk or if my door is locked, or if I am singing Say Anything on guitar chances are its because I feel shitty.
There comes a time in one’s life where they realize they have been jocks/jerks/pricks and Scott has that realization, faces up to it and becomes a better human. I want to BE that better human. Whether it’s not putting hoes before bros or just plain not even really being there for any of those hoes at the same time.
It’s like when the kid I was kind of watching/playing with falls down and starts to cry and I’m like “well, guess I’ll just stand here like an idiot.” I was never really good with dealing with someone who is crying. Maybe that’s why people don’t come to me during their life crisis.
No one could have said it better than Wallace when he said something along the lines of ”Well, you have to figure out why she left or you’ll never become a better man.”
I treated one girl super shitty and just severed all ties without giving a reason last year after 2 dates. I feel shitty about it, but it’s way too late to do anything about it. I used to treat my sister like shit too, mostly because she acted and sounded amusing when upset, God, I was such an asshole. That’s not even an isolated incident. I was mean to several classmates over the course of elementary and middle school. Too much to go into.
I think movies like “the way way back” help people to be ignorant to how shitty they are. The protagonist is a mopey recluse with no redeeming qualities. Most of his family and their friends seem like boisterous douches but at least they try. The kid doesn’t really learn much and plays the victim for most of the movie, acting belligerent and secretive. It doesn’t end too great but still. Perks of being a wallflower is the exact same. It’s painted as a look into the lives of introverts with a so called “relatable” character, but the guy has no redeeming qualities apart from thinking he is so unique and quiet because he’s smarter than all those other assholes. He thinks he deserves Emma Watson because he has feelings and he’s “nice” and because he’s so deep and so indie. He treated that black haired stocky punk girl like shit and still plays a so called nice guy. I guess he got some backlash from that but he really deserved it. The problem I have with this is that the protagonists have no real personality, and the movies seem full of personality only because of the supporting characters who act fun around the mopey introverted main character. Everyone thinks they are totally that guy, the problem isn’t themselves it’s everyone else. All those other people that just don’t understand you.
It’s bullshit like the above that glorifies people who are quiet. It’s like they think that because they keep quiet and know what goes on in their own mind they know what goes on in other people’s. I can guaren-fucking-tee that all those loud extroverts that you think must be stupid and simple have thoughts just as intricate as you. All those “sheeple” on the bus who are chatting or plugged in with their headphones. Yeah, it’s OK to keep to yourself, but people act like being shy means you are so much smarter and better than other people. I guess it’s better than the notion that quiet people are creepy and weird. There was a better example on 9gag way back that got called out for this sort of thing, but I couldn’t find it. I myself seek solitude for hours at a time once in a while and sometimes it is great. Sometimes the quiet people turn out to be really interesting and become great friends. I read “one day I was swimming.” I know about these things because I have periods of introversion. I’ll spell it out.
Extroverts aren’t necessarily stupid just because they say a lot. There is just as much that they aren’t saying.
People understand the persona I put on just fine. They probably could relate maybe (unless i am actually a basket case) to the real me better, but you can’t just be a recluse and think it’s everyone else’s fault that you are lonely and things don’t work out for you. That’s actually how I thought when I was in high school. And the quirky cast of friends that brought me out of it were my DTS buddies. Looking back it’s because I was lame.
The reason why I didn’t get the girl in DTS is because I had no redeeming qualities> apart from being “nice” and “funny.” I probably reeked of desperation and I wasn’t even that funny. I got by with either rude, self deprecating, pop culture, or pervy humor. I wasn’t even that good at drawing either. My spiritual life wasn’t that great and I think Christian girls have a sixth sense for that kind of thing. So it’s no wonder. I acted like Scott in the beginning of the 6th book, when he was tries to get a one night stand with every one of the girls he knows. Except what I was after was a relationship and they all knew that I had hit on all their friends first. I was more brazen with flirting back then.
I’m willing to bet most people go around thinking no one is as unique and introspective as they are. I think it’s healthier to realize people are more like you than you think. Listen to the Fleet Foxes song “Helplessness Blues” to know what I mean. My parents never said anything to imply that they didn’t really know what they were doing or that things don’t magically make sense when you turn 18. So I thought maybe I was one of the only idiots who didn’t have it all together.
5 things I need to do
-Get better motivation for doing school work
-Keep working out, and consistently
-Spend less time refreshing boring websites- IE 9gag facebook whathaveyou
-Get a JOB hippie!
-Get a HAIRCUT, hippie!
-Be content playing music by myself until the time comes that I can start the band that I want to be in.
That last bit is literal.
I also need to practice a little humility. It’s made clear by the end of the 6th book that a lot of the events that happen over the Scott Pilgrim series are very skewed by Scott’s own perception. So is he actually the best fighter in the province? Deas Ex Machina saves him in a few of the fights. He also seemed blissfully unaware of his effect on others for the most part.
I don’t know if you know this, maybe it’s better if you didn’t. But here I go. Sometimes I walk around and think to myself “haha, I am so much better looking than that poor sap.” or “wow I can sing / play instrument X way better than that poor sap.” and act all smug. Of course, half the time these inclinations aren’t even true. Perhaps instead of acting smug I think “How the heck can a person like this have X if I don’t? How did they get the job/girl/prestige if they are like that?”
That time I posted the “Baseball but Better” cover on my wall, I posted it because I saw someone else’s facebook acoustic song and thought to myself that I needed to show off my own skills. I thought I could do it better, that I could sing louder with more passion and get more likes. Same as when I am in my room singing and playing really loud. I know you can hear it outside the door, and it’s better that way. Because then I can subtly lord it over people that I can consistently hit that C#5 that they can only dream of doing. It’s awful that I think that way, but my vocal did used to suck. I got it up there by admitting to myself that it sucked and practicing.
When I start thinking of why someone has something I don’t have, sometimes instead of thinking I’m better than them I think I must be worse. Thinking maybe I totally DO suck. Grab my phone, sing a line and record it. Listen back and I can’t believe how shitty I sound. Look in the mirror after a shower and can’t believe how puny I look. Or how my ribs are totally showing. Or maybe my face is kind of weird- like why is my chin shaped like that? Or that the back of my head is way wider than my face, my head is like a trapezoid. I totally have a mullet.” Then I get all sad.
The problem with that is that self depreciation isn’t even humility. It’s still thinking of yourself.
This girl of the week that I like said I have a good jaw, so I got that going for me, which is nice. But then when I didn’t get a text back I just start rationalizing all these different things like “Am I just a dweeb? Am I kinda ugly? Does she think I’m totally lame? Or is she just a hussy?” It’s absolutely ridiculous that not getting a text message ruined my self worth for like probably a few days, unless I randomly get a response in that time. What the FUCK?
I say girl of the week because I am really fickle. My closest friends often say to me “who is it THIS time?”
Any facade I put on of being one of those “nice guys” must have been pretty elaborate. I tricked myself into thinking I was nice and people just don’t see me right. I have been on the internet long enough to know how many guys think they are nice and that women are mean for not seeing them for who they really are. I don’t think that nice guys exist if my thought processes are so selfish. You don’t “deserve” a girl just by virtue of being nice. Everyone acts nice when they want something. I think maybe the problem is that the women DO see you right, and see that you are full of shit.
It’s the exact same for girls too. Chad McWashboardabs won’t fall into your lap unless you actually go out there and interact with real humans. If you aren’t as hot as Jessica or Shannon then maybe try to have some good qualities instead of reblogging and retweeting things about being God’s perfect princess. Goddamn, at least act like it. I know so many people who externalize their problems or think that being “broken is beautiful” makes me SICK. I guess that makes me God’s perfect prince no matter how fat and ugly and insufferable I get, and that he will send a perfect princess to me when I haven’t left my basement for 10 years at 35.
Everyone has insecurities. The culture here is that it’s totally OK because God says you’re great. Great! By virtue of being born he is obligated to love you. But it isn’t everyone else’s fault when things don’t turn out right. Sometimes (gasp) it isn’t even GOD’s FAULT or PLAN when things go foul. It’s yours, because in this culture every fault has to be externalized to things beyond your control. Otherwise it means you have to actually put work into yourself. The nauseating quote that gets tossed around is “If you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best.”
My advice is to stop acting like an entitled insufferable child if there are people who can’t handle your worst. There is a chance that this person who can’t handle it is kind of lame and fickle, but look in the mirror for a second. If you ever get called an asshole maybe there was some merit to that. Chances are that the more assholes you meet, the more likely it is that the common denominator is YOU.
You can’t blame all your problems on God, being ugly, your peers, or fate or your race or your gender or random bad luck. You can only blame a few of them.
So yeah. I’m just as shitty if not more-so than a lot of people. At least I can admit it. I pent up rage against people who got to be in this worship band or that one, people who didn’t accept me into those previously mentioned bands, jobs, people who left ambrose that I don’t see anymore or who didn’t come along to things I asked them to. People who quit my band, people who didn’t respond to texts and people who aren’t dating me for reasons that I couldn’t figure out without hitting too close to home. If I had a little self awareness I would notice how often I flaked out of things I said I would do, or acted like a prick. I should notice all the things I have that other people wish they did. Not to sound arrogant, that is, but I’ve got it made. I don’t even have a job and I own 3 instruments, my parents pay for a good chunk of my tuition. There are people who have to take fewer classes and a part time job just to be here. People who had to sell their prized possessions to still be here.
I try to write songs about depression when I get down but can’t think of a good reason for why I feel depressed. Maybe I should have taken that as a reason to stop moping around.
I diminished every good thing I had and emphasized the things I wished I had. For eons.
My biggest vice has to be envy if it isn’t a lack of self awareness. I don’t know if anyone else does this but I have this thing. There are probably 7 or 8 girls that I talk to and hit on from time to time that I am not really interested in, yet I get jealous whenever they talk to other guys. It’s fucking retarded. If the girl I like hit on as many guys as I do girls I would probably drop them like a rock, feeling like I was just another one of their sources of opposite-gender-attention. Feeding into their inflated ego. If you never saw me acting like this, well it’s probably because I’m actually not really that good at flirting to begin with. But I try. Believe me.
A little bit of this self actualization has been welling up for a while, but it came to the surface in a cocktail of different related stimuli. A quote from a facebook group I am in said something along the lines of “if I hear another song demonizing exes again I’ll stick a screwdriver through my eardrums.”
Just the other day I wrote a shitty (not really an understatement) song called “tiltawhirl,” basically about funneling all the blame onto someone else. Typical. So what DID I learn? I don’t even really have a real ex. I haven’t really even gotten past the 3rd or 5th date or being facebook official. Or even a kiss. Goddamn, I sound pathetic.
What I did learn is that my problems are either made up or I made them into real problems with my fucked up attitude.
Basically I learned something else. When I am through being arrogant and jealous, I’d rather be wallowing in pity, cursing my cruel fate. Sometimes I’d rather dwell on how I got shafted than wonder why it happened. That feeling of mild existential despair just makes me feel alive, it’s weird. My mottoes come from, other than Say Anything, Weezer’s Pinkerton. Lines like;
"Why bother? It’s gonna hurt me."
or “I can’t believe how bad I suck, it’s true. What could you possibly see in little old 3 chord me?”
Hence the moral of the story is to stop sucking and be awesome instead, and enjoy the fruits of that. You can’t change your face but you can change your clothes, your body. Your mind. And maybe realize a few problems in your life are actually your own doing.